Any sane, reasonable, intelligent human being already knows by now that Koei’sDynasty Warriorsseries is the greatest collection of videogames to haveeverstalked the Earth. Featuring a unique blend of unrelenting hardcore gaming action and fiendishly cerebral tactical challenges, it has been said by many thatDynasty Warriorsis humanity’s greatest cultural achievement since Dio’sHoly Diver.
As with most excellent and venerable institutions, however, the series is not without its detractors. Their numbers may be small and their grasp of basic hygiene may be non-existent, but the ignorant, borderlineretardeddribbling from those that somehow thinkDynasty Warriorsisn’t very good cannot be ignored much longer. My own wife once suggested thatDynasty Warriorswas sub-par even among hack n’ slash games. Naturally I burned her eyes with deodorant spray and kicked her in the pelvis until I broke my foot.
It was then that I realized education was in order. It’s not the fault of these imbeciles that they don’t realize how goodDynasty Warriorsis. They simply don’t know any better. Ignorance is a disease, but fortunately I am the cure. Take my hand, young simpleton, and follow me on a journey of enlightenment, as we discover together whyDynasty Warriorsis the greatest videogame series ever.
It’s Educational!
Dynasty Warriorshas earned itself a reputation as being just a dumb hack n’ slash game. However, scratch away the surface and one will find a cultural and historical depth that makesDynasty Warriorsjust as educational and mentally stimulating as anyBrain Traininggame.Dynasty Warriorsis based on the historical novelRomance of the Three Kingdomswhich is, in turn, based on legitimate Chinese History. Cao Cao, Liu Bei, Sun Quan and all the other characters areactualhistorical figures. That’s impressive!
The events that unfold inDynasty Warriorsis completely true and accurate, which allows it to be used in shools as a fun and more trustworthy replacement for text books. Each character is100%grounded in reality and based on their historical counterparts to the most minute detail. Scholars and University Professors are known to have said that “If it didn’t happen inDynasty Warriors, it probably didn’t happen at all.”
Seriously, throw out that worthless history degree and pickupyourcopy ofDynasty Warriors. You’ll be relieved that you did.
Anybody Can Play It!
Can you hit buttons? I can hit buttons! A God damnedmonkeycould hit buttons! If you know how to hit buttons, then you know how to playDynasty Warriors. It’s fun for all the family, and means that anybody can get in on the action. Complex and alienating hardcore games likeSuper Mario WorldandKlonoa: Door to Phantomilecan put off the more casual player. Fortunately,Dynasty Warriorshas an “easy to play, difficult to master” sensibility which means that Grandpa Jasper can get a piece of the action, but hardcore gamers will be able to crack its hidden depths to get a richer experience. They’ll enjoy it too, becauseDynasty Warriorsis loved by everyone!
Dynasty Warriorswas making games accessible long before Nintendo ripped Koei off with the Wii. That’s right, the Wii is a blatant copy of Koei’s landmark series. Everybody knows that the vile hack Shigeru Miyamoto looked at Koei’s majesty over the emerging casual market and thought, “We need to steal ourselves some of that demographic.”
It’s A Strategy Game Too!
Dollar for dollar,Dynasty Warriorsis the best value that money can buy. Why, just when you thought you were getting a bog-standard button masher,Dynasty Warriorsputs on its thinking cap and says, “Hey, I’m a strategy game as well.” Two games in one? Mmm, that’s one unique stew you’re cooking Koei, and it tastes likeDynasty Warriors. Delicious!
Rather than just place you in a big map with loads of generic enemies,Dynasty Warriorsturns the whole idea of action gaming on its head by placing you in a big map with loads of generic enemies and loads of genericallies! Each stage is a rousing and epic battle in which bitter rivals constantly vie for control of China. With gameplaythatthrilling, you’ll think you’d have died and gone to Heaven, but no, it’s justDynasty Warriorsworking yetanothergaming miracle. God would turn in his grave if he could see this kind of magic. Lucky for him he’s dead.
Just like a real-time strategy, your objective will change in REAL TIME on the battlefield. All sorts of dynamic mission objectives can occur in battle, such as “Defeat an enemy officer” or “Defeat another enemy officer.” Sometimes you’ll need to defeattwoenemy officers at once. The variety of gameplay and flexibility of the genre-warping innovation at work is simply staggering. You’ll think your eyes are lying bastards when you first pay stunned witness to this masterpiece in action.
The Games Stay The Same!
Some people complain that Koei has never truly changed the wayDynasty Warriorsplays. Of course, if you compare the originalDynasty WarriorstoDynasty Warriors 6, you’ll see that these “people” are talking horseshit. For Christ’s sake,Dynasty Warriorswas a one-on-one beat ’em up before turning into the button mashing battlefield action title ofDynasty Warriors 2. How muchmorechange do you need?
Okay, soDynasty Warriors 3,Dynasty Warriors 4,Dynasty Warriors 5andDynasty Warriors 6didn’t change, but whoneedschange!? In these trying financial times, we as a people crave stability. You know what you’re going to get with aDynasty Warriorsgame, and if that’s not worth spending a bargain $59.99 with each sequel, I don’t know what is. That’s the kind of stability and reassurance you’re able to take to the bank — the Really Good Gameplay Bank.
Think of eachDWsequel as an MMO — you are paying a yearly $59.99 subscription to keep enjoying the same great action and attentive support of the game’s creators. See? Doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?
At the end of the day, let’s face it, theDynasty Warriorsformula is perfect. Who can blame Koei for wanting to keep that wonderful game as pure and untouched as possible, instead choosing only to vaguely refine each new title that comes along? Those that cry out for “improvements” to theDynasty Warriorsseries areliterallyasking Koei to improve upon perfection itself. Bless Koei for trying, but not eventhoseguys are capable of defying the laws of Mother Earth. Yet.
Choice … So Much Choice!
If you’re aDynasty Warriorsfan, then you’ll be spoiled for choice when it comes to selecting the right game for you. Whether you’re at home or on the road, there’s no reason to ever be without your dailyDynastydose! Even though we’re officially up toDynasty Warriors 6, don’t be fooled into thinking, disappointed, that there areonlysix games. Turn that frown upside down, because there is SO much more than that.
There’sDynasty Warriors,Dynasty Warriors 2,Dynasty Warriors 3,Dynasty Warriors 3: Xtreme Legends,Dynasty Warriors 4,Dynasty Warriors 4: Xtreme Legends,Dynasty Warriors 4: Empires,Dynasty Warriors 5,Dynasty Warriors 5: Xtreme Legends,Dynasty Warriors 5: Empires,Dynasty Warriors 6,Dynasty Warriors 6: Empires,Dynasty WarriorsPSP,Dynasty Warriors 2PSP,Dynasty Warriors Gundam,Dynasty Warriors Gundam 2,Dynasty Warriors: Strikeforce,Dynasty Warriors Mahjong,Dynasty Warriors Advance,Dynasty Warriors DS: Fighters Battle,Dynasty Tactics,Dynasty Tactics 2,Warriors Orochi,Warriors Orochi 2,Warriors Orochi Z,Samurai Warriors,Samurai Warriors: Xtreme Legends,Samurai Warriors 2,Samurai Warriors 2: Xtreme Legends,Samurai Warriors 2: Empires,Samurai Warriors: Katana,Samurai Warriors: State of Warand now my hands are really tired.
The hits don’t stop there, of course. Koei isconstantlyreleasing new and delicious morsels ofWarriors-branded excellence, so keep watching the stars. You never know when another will land.
The Music Is Amazing!
Tommy Tallarico has been put to shame, and Nobuo Uematsu might as well just suck cocks for a living, because the intense and exhilaratingDynasty Warriorssoundtrack runs rings of musical delight all round the so-called music of other, lesser videogames.
From thrilling, screaming hair metal to thrilling, screaming other types of metal, theDynasty Warriorssoundtrack has it all. The franchise has amassed years of sublime sonic sweetness that rocks the ears and blows the mind with every delectable aural sampling. Who could forget the tripped out riffs ofIgnition, or that iconic number,Yellow Storm? It’s like Mozart had sex with Roy Orbison and had a baby made out of pure music, isn’t it?Isn’tit?
Tunes this enthralling should really be illegal for the sheer power they have over the minds of we mere mortals, who are but buckets ofshitin their presence.
It’s An RPG Too!
Wait wait wait! So you’re telling me that it’s not only a thrilling action game and a brain-tickling strategy title, but it’s also an RPG!?SOLD!
Dynasty Warriorstruly is the gift that keeps on giving, providing a deep and enriched roleplaying system full of everything that makes RPGs cool, like leveling up, andsome other things! There are over forty characters per game (amazing value) and each one can be taken through an emotional story mode that tells the shocking tale of the Three Kingdoms era. Characters level up, just like inFinal Fantasy VII, which makesDynasty Warriorsbetter than that game because of reasons!
Just think — if you bought everyDynasty Warriorsgame ever made and tried to max out every single character, you’d probably be dead before you managed it. This means that you don’t needanyother games in the world outside theDynasty Warriorsseries. Not even the most “epic” RPG from Square Enix can claim that much gameplay. Just try and compareSuikodento all thirty-fourWarriorsgames and I think you’ll agree that Koei wins the content wareverytime. Go back to school, Konami, you have a LOT to learn about RPGs.
Imitations Fail Every Time!
Many have seen the way in which Koei has conquered popular opinion with its landmark franchise, and many have attempted to copy the award-winning formula and repackage it under their own plagiaristic banner. Capcom, Sega, Microsoft and Square Enix have all fallen prey to the whimsical folly of attempting to bottle pure magic. All have failed.
Capcom’sDevil Kingswas retarded, swapping a dynamic battle system for a smoke n’ mirrors approach to combat, helped along by cheap shots, awful visuals and a stunningly terrible localization from the Japanese original to the Western release. Sega’sSpartan: Total Warriorwas a mess of disgusting escort missions and rubbish attempts at innovation such as “AI,” which made the game too hard.Ninety Nine Nightswas incomprehensible, overly simplistic and glitchy. Then there’s Square Enix andDrakengard, which was just a big pile of semen. Not evengoodsemen, the kind of semen that Bluto would produce.
Dynasty Warriorshas a secret blend of eleven herbs and spices that renders it completely inimitable. Only a wanker would try and reproduce such a fine example of brilliance. That’s what those other publishers are — wankers. They’ve not published a single hit between them.
The Graphics Are Simply Beautiful!
Koei’s star development team Omega Force aren’t just innovators of gameplay. They are graphical innovators too, able to spin simple digital imagery into visual gold so nutritious, your eyes will be satisfied for days. Even in the PlayStation 2 years, Dynasty Warriors games were providing the kind of graphical accomplishments that we now demand as standard in the HD era.
The character designs alone are fantastic. Zhang He’s completely original prettyboy-with-claws look or Zhuge Liang’s savage parody of popular Christian celebrity Jesus Christ are justtwoof the two examples we’ve chosen to use. However, it’s in bringing these concepts to life in videogame form that Omega Force truly shines, with lifelike animations and environments so realistic, you could swear that your television set has turnedintoAncient China.
There are also a number of advanced visual tricks employed to make the game look even better.Dynasty Warriorspioneered a gimmick known as “slowdown,” in which the framerate completely drops when a lot of action is happening onscreen. This is done to provide an atmospheric and jawdropping view of the battle as it happens. It’s also rumored that the scenes are so intense, anybody viewing the battle at normal speed would get their heads blown up like inScanners. Another amazing trick is the use of disappearing characters, which adds an element of psychological fear into the game.Silent Hill, eat your heart out!
Perhaps the greatest feature, however, is the in-game camera, that sometimes goes into epileptic fits and makes it nearly impossible to see what’s happening onscreen. What an innovative and intelligent way of translating the chaotic feel of battle to the players at home. It’s very meta!
It’s Just Fucking Better!
Dynasty Warriorsis the best game series ever made because it’s simplybetterthan everything else. More epic in scope thanThe Legend of Zelda, more intense thanGears of War, more intellectually stimulating thanBioShockand better looking thanKillzone 2. The efforts of Koei and Omega Force stand head and shoulders above the competition, shaming the industry with guaranteed quality, time after time.
Not sinceThe Biblehas mankind created such an important and life-changing symbol of achievement. The release of each newDynasty Warriorssequel is an event, a paradigm-shifting phenomenom that leads the industry and ushers in a new and more glorious era each and every time. Loved by good, just and righteous people, hated by the envious, cowardly and perverse dullards who could not even aspire toplaysuch greatness, let alone emulate greatness themselves.
This is whyDynasty Warriorsis the greatest videogame series ever, and why anybody who disagrees is a spastic.
