When 15-year-oldKoltonMahoneybooted up his fresh copy ofMadden NFL 2007in hisXbox360, he was shocked to find that it wasn’tMadden NFL 2007at all. In fact, the game he had received for Christmas was actually a disc of pornography.
According toa report coming out of Utah, the unsuspectingMahoney(and his parents, who had purchased the gift from a local Circuit City) was shocked and appalled by the explicit images found on theMadden NFL 2007disc. Holiday ruined? Apparently. But as far as I’m concerned, there are plenty of things I’d rather get thanMadden NFL 2007for theXbox360.
5.John Madden Football ’92for the Sega GenesisLet’s face it — slight improvements each year and polished graphics can’t make a game. An ambulance rolling onto a field to deliver sprites of paramedics that will carry away injured players on a stretcher — nowthatmakes a good game! The rules of football have not changed, folks, andMadden Football ’92is a tried and true classic. More frat-boy arguments have been settled over quick games of this Genesis classic than by anything else. And while I haven’t done any research, I can bet that college-age date rape cases; drug and alcohol abuse; and vandalism were at an all time low in the year the game was released.4. This killer knit sweaterNow, I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way you’re going to get laid wearing that thing. But that’s not an issue for me, because I’m married and my wife now has no choice. So not only would this sweater keep me warm on these cold winter nights, but I’d look so ridiculous that all of these super models and local celebrity newscasters that keep calling me will finally get off of my case. Touchdown, baby.3. A one-dollar gift certificate to a Taco Bell in HawaiiI live roughly 3,000 miles away from the nearest Hawaiian Taco Bell, but that matters not. I’ve wanted to visit the islands and I’ve needed a good reason to. One dollar off abajagorditawith grilled steakis totally a good enough reason to make an appointment with my travel agent. Warmflatbreadwith grilled steak, lettuce, Fiesta Salsa, Zesty Pepper Jack sauce, and Three Cheese goodness totally wins over any version ofMadden NFLany day of the week. Sprites of stretchers be damned.
- PlayStation 3Number two was actually going to be gonorrhea, but I thought saying I’d want a PlayStation 3 would be funnier. These jokes don’t write themselves, people.
- PornWhat is wrong with America that in 2006, our virile youth are disappointed that they receive pornography instead of a shoddy update to a football game in a franchise that has been on a steady decline for years? Seriously, when I was his age, I was ecstatic when I accidentally found a garbage bag full of unmarked wet t-shirt contest videos on my neighbor’s lawn.Madden NFL 2007is rated “E for Everyone.” Smut videos are not. He could have charged people for private shows, took his earnings to his local game shop, and still had money left over for important things that a 15-year-old needs. You know … like alcohol and condoms.
